whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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