who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
