Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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