i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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