apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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