The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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