I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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