I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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