I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
