my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
