i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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