thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
