Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
