I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
