listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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