I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
