I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
