So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
