Tell her she can't have a vagina
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
