How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
