my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
