Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.