Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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