Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
