You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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