Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.