this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
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There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
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Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.