Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
