Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
