The maid of honor just puked.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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