I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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