i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so let's talk penis.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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