By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
