i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he thought i was a dude.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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