I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
