I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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