shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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