you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
