just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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