he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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