never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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