Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
