Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
