If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
