My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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