Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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