WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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