Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
