i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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