ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
