yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
