I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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