I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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