omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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