Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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