her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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