theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
