I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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