if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
