I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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