i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
