is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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