all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
