____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
