What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
